Put the umbrella down.

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been busy with my new part-time writing job, which I just found out will be ending in a week. The site is shutting down. It's not a surprise, but I am disappointed. It was nice having an actual job that paid. But now I'll have more time for exciting, dangerous outings like the one the kiddos and I took yesterday-- to the mall.

We headed to the Burlington Mall yesterday to visit the Easter Bunny (or the Easter Dunny) as Cam says. After a quick visit during which Cam screamed his head off, I bribed the kids back into the stroller with some pretzels and headed to the elevator to go buy some jeans and stop at the playspace.

As I walking blissfully along, enjoying the minute of silence while the kids ate, a woman sidled up to me and said quietly, "Are you leaving?" It scared the crap out of me. No, I'm not leaving, I'm going to buy some jeans. And who the hell are you? But before I got any of this out, she said, "There's a man with a gun in the mall. I'm leaving, if they let us out...." And she walked away.

I didn't know what to think-- was this woman a lunatic who walks around malls telling people there's a gun somewhere? But then I looked to my left, and directly across the corridor was a real-life SWAT team, with shields, and rifles and bullet-proof vests. WTF!!! Seriously? I felt this surge of terror that I've never felt before. I looked down at my kids, happily eating their pretzels in the stroller and just felt this jolt through my body. There's a SWAT team with loaded guns 20 feet away, and my kids are sitting here, completely unaware, eating their snack. And those are the good guys! Who knows where this maniac with a gun is? Also, I felt angry. A SWAT team was walking around with guns, and there were tons of moms with kids in the mall, could they have let us known to get the hell out of there before we almost run into them on our way to the Gap?

Well, I felt all of those feelings in a span of three seconds, and then hightailed it out of there. And, as everyone knows, the man with the gun turned out to just be a man with an umbrella...that looked like a gun. Which leads me to the next question. Who buys an umbrella like that? I think police should keep an eye on him.

Three things that make me feel grown-up

You would think at this point I would feel like an adult. I'm married, have kids, a house, and a dog. People and an animal rely on me. Tim and I have also gone through our share of "grown-up" experiences that we would rather not have had-- sick parents, loss of a parent, selling your childhood home, hospitalized child, etc. So I think by all measures, I'm a card-carrying adult. Yet, for the most part I feel like an impostor. Like I'm really 10, and no one has caught on. However, the following three occurrences, all which have happened in the last two weeks, have hit me over the head making me truly feel like an adult-- and it scares me.

1. Taking my kid to the dentist. I think this makes me feel like an adult just because I can remember going to the dentist with my mom. I've been taking the kids to the doctor since day one, but the dentist is somewhat new and it just kills me every time we go. N is a rock star when it comes to the dentist. She loves it, and she actually looks like a rock star with these sunglasses they make her wear.

2. Having a parent-teacher meeting at N's school.
Maybe it's sitting in the tiny chairs that emphasizes just how big I am, but I think it's the ensuing panic and concern after a parent-teacher conference that makes me feel like a real parent. Everything is fine now, but it's never fun getting called into a meeting to discuss your kid. What made me feel even more grown up was getting mad after the meeting and writing a note (on real stationary!) to make my point. The school we go to is stuck in the 20th century and does not use the Internet or email, so if you want to communicate with the teacher you write a note (how quaint! and annoying!). Again, I think this just brought me back to my childhood...

3. And lastly, hearing a kid call me Mrs. Delaney
I don't think I'll ever get used to this. We had a new little friend from N's school come over for a play date and during lunch she chirped, "Mrs. Delaney, can I have another juice box?" Very cute, but still completely unnerving.

Detox Diet Dropout

My favorite magazine lately is Whole Living. I scan the pages before I go to bed and think, "Yes! I can live like that! I'll practice yoga and meditate every day and eat only organic whole foods." Then the next morning comes, and it's right back to normal-- which isn't that bad. My family and I eat pretty well. But I do have a sweet tooth and have been known to polish off a pack of Whole Foods brownie bites in two days.

Anyways, the last issue of Whole Living had a 28-day detox plan. I jumped on the idea, as did my husband. The holidays were fantastic this year, but we had way too many dinners with steak, creamed spinach, mashed potatoes and red wine, and we felt like a detox would be a good way to start the new year.

Well, 12 hours into it, I'm out (brownie bites!), and I've come to the realization that I need caffeine and sugar to be an effective and engaged parent. How awful, but there, I've said it. Today I cut caffeine, sugar, wheat, dairy, alcohol and all other sorts of good things out of my diet, and it was pure hell. Actually the only part that was bad was the caffeine...and the sugar.

All day I was in a fog. After dinner I felt like little elves were perched on my cheekbones pulling my lower eyelids down. At six o'clock I sat on the floor and just prayed that the kids could entertain themselves before bedtime. And, they actually did. But a few times, the 4-y.o. would ask, "Mom, come dance?" and I had to decline. I felt terribly guilty, but I could not move my body.

Pathetic, I know. But there it is. I guess it's not that bad. Some parents need alcohol or drugs to get through the day, right? I just need a cookie and a cup of Starbucks.

My husband has a will of steel and is still going strong. Go Tim! I'll be cheering him the whole way as I sip my latte and nibble on a donut.